FOOTBALL Bundesliga. Arminia Bielefeld v Karlsruhe.

Setanta Sports, 4-6.30am. German

GOLF

Fox Sports 1, 5-10.30am. US PGA Tour. Turning Stone Championship. Second round. US LPGA Tour from 8.30. Samsung World Championship. Second round. OK, so we might have been a little off with some of the predictions last week. OK, so there might have been a slight element of hyperbole involved in our stated expectation that Geelong's anticipated "massacre" of Hawthorn would lead to a humanitarian disaster of a scale not seen since Daryl Somers's last appearance on prime-time TV. And yes, OK, so our prediction that Arsenal would steamroll Hull with a brand of uber-uber attacking football reminiscent of Maradona at his peak might look a little embarrassing now that Arsenal have instead succumbed to Hull with a brand of huff-and-puff, can't-defend-from-set-pieces rubbish reminiscent of Maradona in the fat clinic (not so much "uber-uber" as "hubba-hubba"). But this is the satirist's prerogative: when we're right, we're right; when we're wrong, we were merely being satirical. This explains why we can say, with absolute confidence, that this weekend's results will pan out as follows: Arminia Bielefeld will show Karslruhe up to be the Ruhr valley choppers that they are; the Detroit Shock will be looking a little more "shocked" than normal after the merciless, once-in-a-generation shellacking they receive from San Antonio; Almeria will be as flies to Getafe's Mortein-waving gods in the Spanish Primera Liga; whichever team features more Australians will be the winner out of St Helens and Leeds in the English Super League final; the Epsom Handicap will be won by a horse; and in both tournaments in the US PGA and LPGA tours, golf will be the ultimate victor. Go place your bets, my friends. This is the only form guide in town that tells it like it is.

BASEBALL

Fox Sports 3, 8am-3pm. US Major League. Play-offs. Tampa Bay v Chicago White Sox (game two) from 8. LA Angels v Boston (game two) from 11.30.

BASKETBALL

ESPN, 9.45-11.45am. WNBA play-offs. Detroit Shock v San Antonio Silver Stars.

RACING

Channel Nine, 12.30-4.30pm. Epsom Handicap. Turnbull Stakes.

MOTOR SPORT

Fox Sports 1, 1-7pm; Channel Ten, 1-5pm. Australian MotoGP. Qualifying. Super X series (Australasian supercross championship) from 5 (Fox only). Round one from Perth.

BASKETBALL

ABC1, 2.30-4pm. WNBL. Sydney University v Adelaide.

FOOTBALL

Fox Sports 2, 5pm-5.30am. A-League. Melbourne v Perth. Sydney v Queensland from 7. English Championship from 9.30. Birmingham v QPR. English Premier League from midnight. Sunderland v Arsenal. Blackburn v Manchester United from 3.30.

FOOTBALL

Fox Sports 3, midnight-2am. English Premier League. Wigan v Middlesbrough.

GOLF

Fox Sports 1, 10.30pm-2.30am. European PGA Tour. Links Championship. Third round.

FOOTBALL

Setanta Sports, midnight-2am. Scottish Premier League. Celtic v Hamilton.

AND ON RADIO …

2KY, noon-midnight. Racing. SUNDAY

FOOTBALL

LEAGUE

Fox Sports 3, 3.30-6.30am. English Super League grand final. St Helens v Leeds.

GOLF Third round. Turning Stone Championship from 6. Third round.

Fox Sports 1, 3.30-9am. Samsung World Championship.

RUGBY Setanta Sports, 5-7.15am. Magners League. Munster v Warriors.

BASEBALL Fox Sports 3, 9.30am-5pm. US Major League play-offs. Milwaukee v Philadelphia (game three) from 9.30. LA Dodgers v Chicago Cubs (game three) from 1. Hey, look, there's baseball on Fox again. Hey, look, we want to talk about cricket instead. Regular readers will recall that in March, On The Box published, under the pen name of Ursula K. Le Quim, a tome entitled The Very Best of Mark Webber's Gearbox Failures . The book was groundbreaking, in the sense that it covered new territory in Australian sports writing, and face-breaking, in the sense that the punishment we received from Mark Webber for writing it definitively showed why that territory had not been covered before. It has since been remaindered, to critical acclaim. In the meantime, we have been working on a new book to coincide with the start of the cricket season. It chronicles, in lovingly rendered detail, the various sniffles, sore throats and upset tummies that have befallen Shane Watson over the past few years, and bears the provisional title Bowling, Batting, Spewing, Squirting: Shane Watson, the All-Rounder's All Rounder . Some extracts follow. "August 2005. Watson, sleeping on Brett Lee's floor in Durham after being spooked by a ghost, discovers a spot on his hand. Fearing the worst, he immediately approaches the Australian team selectors and announces that he has been infected with chronic eosinophilic dermatitis, a form of rare and degenerative skin disease ordinarily associated with persistent feline herpes infection in cheetahs. The Australian selectors tell him to shut up and go back to sleep. October 2006. On tour in India, Watson is looking impressive with both bat and ball, but his resurgence comes to a shuddering halt after he starts hyperventilating in his hotel room after play one day for no particular reason. Watson fears a heart attack, but it later emerges that he instead has a mild case of the squirts. Loose stools are to remain a persistent problem for him as he attempts to regain form in time for the Ashes. November 2006: With his stools finally under control, Watson looks set to cement his place in the Test side for the series against England. Tragically, however, he breaks down with a hamstring tear a week before the first Test. Not for the first time, this correspondent finds himself bemoaning in a column, 'Once again, buttocks have been the cause of Watson's - and Australia's - malheur. If the Australian selectors have any sense, they will ensure Watson remains decoupled from his gluteal muscles for all future playing engagements.' The column will later be rejected for publication by five separate international dailies. April 2007: Watson, looking fit and limber after months spent posing for various nudist calendars, is struck down with a slight sniffle. At one point he is forced to stop on the street and sit down, such is the severity of his sinus congestion. A case of undiagnosed sciatica later in the month follows quickly upon some reflux-related problems, leading Trevor Hohns to warn Watson in an email: 'One more belch, and you'll lose your Cricket Australia contract.' The young Watson responds to this stinging challenge in the manner of all great athletes: by going to the pharmacy in search of stronger antibiotics."

AMERICAN FOOTBALL ESPN, noon-2pn. US college football. Missouri v Nebraska.

MOTOR SPORT Channel Ten, 11am-5pm; Fox Sports 1, 12.30-5.30pm. Australian MotoGP. Channel Nine, noon-7pm; Fox Sports 2, 2-4pm. Grand final day. Toyota Cup grand final, Raiders v Broncos, from 2 (Nine and Fox). First-grade grand final, Sea Eagles v Storm, from 5 (Nine only). If it's grand final week, that means one thing: the pages of the Australian press have become filled with hopelessly overwrought stories dealing with peripheral aspects of the grand final run-in. As a tribute to our love of the genre, we profile a recent "piece" by our friend and colleague Con Gas, an up-and-coming scribbler who makes a living writing colour stories for the regional and suburban weeklies about subjects that are unsuited to being written about in the style of colour stories. This week, we feature his take on Craig Bellamy's outburst against the NRL judiciary, which appeared in the pages of The Sutherland Volksgemeinschaft Zeitung : "They came in twos and threes, all working-class bluster and elbows and arse and other things I didn't have time to get a proper look at because there was some fat bloke in front of me. They came to see them arrive. First Cam, his hair tousled in the way some thought was responsible for him getting the Kangaroos gig over Bedsy, and others preferred not to comment on, largely because they didn't have an opinion either way; then Brian Waldron, composed and reckless at the same time, part-Paul Bremer, part-Steve Fossett; and finally, the man they'd all been waiting for, except for the other two, who they'd also been waiting for: Craig. Craig Bellamy. Craig Bellamy, the coach of the Storm. The tactical genius, the strategic seer, the greatest coach of his generation, except not so much now he stuffed things up for us in Origin. The crowd was in awe. "You bloody beauty," a passing garbo said, pausing for a drag on his ciggie and referring, incidentally, to something else. "Yep," echoed his mate, also referring to that other thing. Get those words down on paper, kids: you bloody beauty; yep. When this generation turns to dust, that's how humanity will remember this historic night. They say that when Craig Bellamy was growing up, down in Bega or Berrima or Bermagui or up and across in Bondi Junction, depending on where you're starting from, he used to deliver the local rag for petrol money. Was pretty good at it, they say. Good with a throw, and good with dogs. Good with throwing the papers at dogs. Loved a yarn and a pat on the head. Used to nick off school to throw papers at dogs. Got fired after a few months for this. That's why no one was surprised down that way, in Bundaberg and such, when Bellamy let rip on the judiciary after hearing of Cam Smith's suspension. Nah, they weren't surprised. Not even close, bro. They listened, smiled, and said, "That ain't anger. That's just Craig Bellamy." Yeah, mmm hmmm. You said it, sisters: that's Craig Bellamy. NRL finals, you bloody beauty. We will feature more of Gas's pioneering work over the coming months as subjects of suitable irrelevance come to light.

LEAGUE

MOTOR SPORT Fox Sports 1, 8.30pm-2am. World superbike championship. Round 13 from France.

FOOTBALL Setanta Sports, 11pm-1am. Scottish Premier League. St Mirren v Rangers.

MOTOR SPORT Fox Sports 2, 11.30pm-3.15am. English Premier League. West Ham v Bolton. Chelsea v Aston Villa, Manchester City v Liverpool, Portsmouth v Stoke or Tottenham v Hull (viewer's choice) from 1. Fox HD, 2-4am. Everton v Newcastle.

Fox Sports 3, 11pm-2am. Dutch A1 GP.

FOOTBALL

FOOTBALL ESPN, midnight-4am. Italian Serie A. Juventus v Palermo. Spanish Primera Liga from 2. Getafe v Almeria.

AND ON RADIO … 702 ABC, noon-7.30pm. Full coverage of NRL grand final day. Includes Toyota Cup grand final from 2 and first-grade grand final from 5. ESPN, 2-7.30am. Italian Serie A. Lazio v Lecce. Inter v Bologna from 5.30.